Kumbie...

"Basic principles... there are none." -Hitch

"I remember this feeling came over me that I'd rather be here with her in this moment than anywhere else in the universe." -Rob Bell, Nooma: Flame

"So God created humankind in his image,
     in the image of God he created them;
     male and female he created them." -Genesis 1:27

I have a friend named Kumbirai Madondo, or Kumbie for short. Kumbie is from Zimbabwe, and she and I worked at a summer camp together while I was at Furman. I even taught Kumbie to drive before she got her American driver's license. I was "Mr. Leathers." She was "The World's Greatest."

When the summer came to an end, it was clear that Kumbie and I needed to get each other a going away present. I'm not entirely sure what she received (I think it was some kind of potpourri or a scent of some kind. I received something very different.

All summer one of my responsibilities was to drive Kumbie around in an effort to raise funds for the camp. While we drove around the area surrounding Clemson, she often let me know who she thought I ought to end up with. She was very invested in finding me the future Mrs. Leathers. So for her goodbye present she gave me two pieces of African jewelry: a bracelet and a necklace. They came with very specific instructions: when I met that future Mrs. Leathers I was to give her the jewelry and find Kumbie so that she could approve.

Two nights ago I was going through my nightstand and found all those items Kumbie gave me five years ago. It got me thinking...

There's a lot of talk these days about dating, and there's a lot of that talk in the church. How are we supposed to do it and what's it supposed to look like? What's ok and who is it ok with? There are all of these ideas about what it means to date. So I thought I'd share some thoughts I've picked up over the past 25 years:

1.      You do not need someone else to complete you or make you happy. If you are single, it is not because you are in a season of preparation for marriage, as if the story of your life was arcing towards finding your husband or wife. Finding someone won't make you whole. When God made you you weren't incomplete. You don't need someone else to make you whole. So be content with where you are. If you are single, enjoy the freedom that comes with that. If you are dating someone, enjoy being with them. If you are married, congratulations and love them big!
2.      Girls (and guys too), don't ever let anyone convince you you aren't good enough to be with them. If you find yourself with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself because of who you are or what you've done then they are not worth another second of you time. You are good enough for anybody, and you are worthy of love just as much as every other person. You were good enough the moment you were born! That's what love does, it brings people to their very best. It draws the light out of us so that everyone can see it.
3.      One thing the world could use less of is arrogant nice guys. I'm tired of hearing people say nice guys finish last. You know who says that? Nice guys who think that for some reason being a nice guys entitles them to whichever girl they meet. Why are people nice guys? Because every single woman they meet is worthy of the deepest love and respect from every guy. It's not about you.
4.      My Aunt Cathy once gave me the truest dating advice I've ever been given. She asked me, "Does she make you better? Do you make her better? If the answer to either is no, then you both deserve better." It's beautiful. But that's what love is right? At it's core, shouldn't love be something that both blesses others and receives blessings? If you're giving all of the love, there's something out of balance. If you're receiving all of it, there's something out of balance.
5.      Laughter is a good thing. So is communicating.
6.     There's no handbook for how dating is supposed to look. Everybody is a different person. Everyone's unique, and what an awesome thing that is! So why would any relationship look the same as any other? It won't! There's no strict guideline for how dating works. Some people move faster. Others slower. Some people love gifts. Some people love laughter. There aren't any hard and fast rules. If your relationship is marked by love and respect, then there shouldn't ever be anyone feeling pressured or nervous.
7.      Love is hard. I'm not talking about romance. That's pretty easy. But that's not love. We've romanticized love, made it a cute cuddly thing in The Notebook and Beauty and the Beast (p.s. I love those movies!) There's nothing wrong with romance. In fact, it's great, and romantic love can't happen without it. But love is different. Love sacrifices. With love, the story is never about me, but always about someone else. Love is never going to be perfect between two people. You'll argue and fight. But don't give up because it's bumpy.
        And if someone tells you they love you and only loves what you will do for him or her, or only loves you when it's convenient, or only loves you when there's not someone else, that's not love. When someone makes you feel bad about who you are, that's not love. And if you're the person on the other side, and you're taking advantage of someone, or making them feel like less then they were made to be by the God who knit them together, all while saying "I love you," you don't know what those words mean. Love, true love, is worth waiting for.

I haven't found that future Mrs. Leathers that Kumbie is waiting for. I hope I do one day. That'd be great! I can't wait. Relationships give us a glimpse of what it's like when God loves us. It's this beautiful picture and I'd love to be a part of it one day.

But my life isn't incomplete without her. When God made me, he made me with everything I'd ever need. Same with you. Love is beautiful. But love doesn't just live in romance. We were made to live in community, to live in relationships. And we do. And love flows out of that. So no matter where you find yourself on the relationship spectrum, know that it is enough, and that love is a beautiful thing worth holding onto if you've found it.

forever unfinished...