"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead in the way everlasting." -Psalm 139: 23-24
"In faith, I do no love thee with mine eyes, for they in thee a thousand errors note..." William Shakespeare, Sonnet 141
I'm pretty independent and I don't always listen to the advice of others. I know this about myself, and I'm trying to improve it. So I've started seeking out people who have been around longer than me and tried to be a sponge around them and soak up all the wisdom they have to offer. (When you're only an averagely-wise person, it's smart to hang around people wiser than you.)
I'm also a single guy. So, I've tried to spend time time around people who are doing marriage really well. To learn from them. To watch them. To listen to them tell stories. To soak up their love and grace and wisdom. One day I'd like to do marriage well too, so why not learn from those with experience?
The other day I was at the opening night of worship at Annual Conference with my 88-year-old best buddy in Fort Worth and a guy named Pastor Rudy took the stage. Pastor Rudy is a Methodist pastor from Houston who is doing really incredible ministry with people in the inner-city.
He talked about a lot of things. And they were all good (heck, I've started reading his book Touch because I was so taken in by his words.) But as he closed, he talked about his wife, Juanita.
You see, Juanita hasn't always had an easy go of it since they got married. A while back she had a pretty deep depressive episode. And she's had cancer. Twice. And they've had financial strains. And Pastor Rudy shared all of this. Why? Because these were the stories that have made their marriage such a painful blessing to themselves and have taught them what God's love is like. They're the stories that have taught them that love at its deepest comes out sometimes in selfless sacrifice and devotion.
That's the vibe I've gotten from most people who have had lasting marriages. None of them tell stories about how easy it's been. None of them talk about how they never fight. They talk about devotion and reliance on another. They talk about patience and forgiveness. What becomes radically clear in listening to others is that marriage is a beautiful and ugly story of self-denial and love undertaken by two radically imperfect participants to make something much better than either create alone.
Listening to them talk about marriage helps me understand why the people who wrote the Bible used imagery of the bride and groom so often to describe Jesus and the church. It's a covenant between a groom and his bride that involves radical forgiveness and endless mercy in the face of imperfections and mistakes. It's a love that doesn't dismiss the other's flaws or overlook them, but loves in spite of them. It's a pretty compelling picture if you ask me.
I love Shakespeare. A lot. I've probably written about that before. I love the way he captured emotions in words no one else could connect.
One of my favorite things he ever wrote was his 141st sonnet:
"In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,
for they in thee a thousand errors note;
but 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,
who in despite of view is please to dote;
nor are mine ears with thy tongue's tune delighted,
nor tender feeling, to base touches prone,
nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited
to any sensual feast with thee alone:
but my five wits nor my five senses can
dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
who leaves unsway'd the likeness of a man,
thy proud hearts slave and vassal wretch to be:
only my plague thus far I count my gain,
that she that makes me sin awards me pain."
To paraphrase: I do not love thee because of what you look like, or any other reason that I can experience with my five senses. In fact, everything I can experience about you tells me it is a fool's errand to love you. But I love you anyway.
That's a beautiful poem to me. It's a poem about God, whether Shakespeare intended it that way or not.
God's love is extravagant, more wild than I ever give it credit for, because I will never taste of its like in flesh and blood. It scares me because I'll never see it lived out. But this sonnet captures its impossibility to me perfectly. It's as if God is saying, "I'm so aware of your imperfections, your faults, your failings. And there is no one I could ever love more profoundly. You are still my beloved, and my beloved you will always be!"
I'm not perfect.
I am FULL of pride. I hate taking advice and I spurn help when it's offered. So often I'm convinced my way is right and no one else could have anything to help me. But God still loves me and uses me every day.
I'm a man who lust too often calls friend and too often exposes. But God still loves me and uses me every day.
I am far too prone to notice the flaws and imperfections in others than I am to celebrate their gifts and successes. I'm often more likely to critique than I am to create. But God still loves me and uses me every day.
I'm overburdened with responsibilities I heap on myself to the point that the important, life-giving joys surrounding me every day often go unnoticed. But God still loves me and uses me every day.
I lie and gossip and notice the failings of others to mask my own insecurities. But God still loves me and uses me every day.
I often overlook my neighbors in my hurry to my next thing. But God still loves me and uses me every day.
I judge others at first glance and then usually continue to do so as long as we know each other. But God still loves me and uses me every day.
I too often speak, and speak, and speak, before I ever take a second to listen to the words of another. But God still loves me and uses me every day.
There are lots of times I put my own desires above others'. But God still loves me and uses me every day.
I spend time on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram to fill a hole of loneliness in heart. But God still loves me and uses me every day.
I don't always see God's presence in my comings and goings. But God still loves me and uses me every day.
I'm racked with guilt for the things I fail to do and the ways that I don't live up to expectations. I dwell more on failure than on success. But God still loves me and uses me every day.
And I know I'm not alone in these struggles. That's why I know God still loves you and uses you every day.
The more I hear people talk about marriage, the more and more I hear stories about God's love for us. I've started reading Sonnet 141 every morning because it is a poem of God's love. Confession is an ugly thing, but it also reminds me just how deep the oceans of God's love extend.
There's nothing to be gained in pretending we're perfect. It's a charade with an expiration date. I'm not perfect, even on the days when I think I am. And each day God is calling me beloved, God's bride today and for always. May I always be reminded of the abounding love of God that knows no limits. May God's love so envelope us that it stokes us to love our neighbors into its impossible embrace. And may we recognize the voice of God whispering in the core of our being, "You are my beloved, my bride, today and for always."
forever unfinished...
Thursday, June 18, 2015
Saturday, June 13, 2015
UTA...
"Whenever you enter a town and its people welcome you, eat what is set before you; cure the sick who are there, and say to them, 'The kingdom of God has come near to you.'" -Luke 10:8-10
"It might seem strange to start a story with an ending. But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time." -Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven
When you first meet people, one of the generic first question to ask is, "Where are you from?"
It's a completely reasonable question, after all. It is likely you can tell something about someone by where they're from. I'd think differently or expect different things from someone from a small farm town in Kansas than I would from someone who grew up on the beach in California or someone who was raised in the Bronx. Where we're from is a vital part of who are in so many ways.
It's just that I'm not very good at answering it. You'd think after 26 years I'd have a pretty good handle on where I'm from. I should know as well as anybody else. I'm the one who's from there!
But I'm not. You see, I was born in northern California, in wine country. And that's where I spent the formative first 11 years of my life. But then we moved to a suburb of Nashville, and that's where I grew up, per se. That's where I learned to think and imagine and dream. And then, I wanted to move away from home to experience some independence and I went to a little liberal arts school in the foothills of South Carolina where I found my calling and my passion and learned to write my own story.
As if all of that weren't enough, I moved to Texas where I've learned immeasurably more about myself than I'd ever anticipated.
So when people ask where I'm from, sometimes I say Santa Rosa, CA. Sometimes I say right outside of Nashville. Sometimes I say I just moved from South Carolina.
I haven't quite gotten to where I say I'm from Texas.
The other day I was waiting for a high school graduation to start on the campus of UT-Arlington. When you're a youth minister/master's student, sometimes you have to multi-task. So while families were gathering in the arena to cheer their graduates, I was finishing a paper for a Maymester class. What a life. HA!
While I was sitting there, a campus housing commercial came on and got stuck on loop. Over. And over. And over again. Needless to say, it got a little repetitive. I'm sure UTA has a lot more to celebrate than its housing. But after thirty plays, I decided to pull my earbuds out and listen to what was being sold. And I was hooked.
No, I can't say I signed up to take some classes so I could live on campus. But the tagline. I loved the tagline. "Live where your life is."
That was the idea behind UTA's campus housing. You ought to live where your life is. Brilliant!
Some may hear that and think it's the most obvious thing in the world. OF COURSE WE LIVE WHERE OUR LIVES ARE! Where else could we live!? But on second thought, I think a lot of us live other places.
I think this tagline, at least for me, pointed to something much deeper. Something Jesus tried to teach his disciples.
When Jesus sent out the seventy disciples (yes, this is more than twelve, if you noticed. Jesus had lots of disciples and twelve that were closer than others) he told them to enter towns and find a home to stay in. "Don't bounce around," Jesus told them, "but make yourself at home and get rooted in the place!"
What Jesus knew was that you can't be with people if you're not with them. Let me explain. We can be in the same physical space as someone and not be with them. How often have couples been married for years but not sharing the passion of life and love? How often do we pass our homeless brothers and sisters on the street without even acknowledging their presence? How often do we find a job only to think, "When can I possibly get out of here for something better?" How often have people spent so time thinking about how green the grass is on the other side that they miss the beauty of the yard they're playing in?
I think that's why Jesus told the disciples to stay put. I think he wanted them to get to know their neighbors, to find out what made them laugh and what made them cry, what their favorite type of camel was. You know, the important stuff. To take their time to get to know people. He wanted his disciples to be neighbors because that is how communities and peoples' lives are changed: when people are with them.
People have asked me a lot if I think I'll stay in Texas forever. As someone who's moved around a good bit, that seems crazy to me some days. If you'd asked me that two years ago, I'd have said, "No way, Jose!" Now I'm not so sure. I've found people here, people I love and people who care for me. I've found home here. Just like I did in Santa Rosa. Just like I did in Brentwood. Just like I did in Greenville. My life is what it is today because of the people I knew and the experiences I had in all of those places because I found home there.
I know where I'm from. I'm from Santa Rosa. I'm from Brentwood. I'm from Greenville. I'm from Camp Barnabas. I'm from Berea Friendship United Methodist Church. And I'm from Fort Worth. I'm from all the places I've called home and all of the places that have shaped my life because I was willing to be there. And that's why I know, no matter where life takes me, here or there, near or far, comfortable or scary, I've learned to always be at home.
Some of us may only know one home. Others may know thirty. But may you live wherever your life is. May you hear and follow where the Spirit is calling you. And may you dive head first into the people around you, calling you by name, teaching you who you are and who you are becoming. And may you always be at home.
forever unfinished...
"It might seem strange to start a story with an ending. But all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time." -Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven
When you first meet people, one of the generic first question to ask is, "Where are you from?"
It's a completely reasonable question, after all. It is likely you can tell something about someone by where they're from. I'd think differently or expect different things from someone from a small farm town in Kansas than I would from someone who grew up on the beach in California or someone who was raised in the Bronx. Where we're from is a vital part of who are in so many ways.
It's just that I'm not very good at answering it. You'd think after 26 years I'd have a pretty good handle on where I'm from. I should know as well as anybody else. I'm the one who's from there!
But I'm not. You see, I was born in northern California, in wine country. And that's where I spent the formative first 11 years of my life. But then we moved to a suburb of Nashville, and that's where I grew up, per se. That's where I learned to think and imagine and dream. And then, I wanted to move away from home to experience some independence and I went to a little liberal arts school in the foothills of South Carolina where I found my calling and my passion and learned to write my own story.
As if all of that weren't enough, I moved to Texas where I've learned immeasurably more about myself than I'd ever anticipated.
So when people ask where I'm from, sometimes I say Santa Rosa, CA. Sometimes I say right outside of Nashville. Sometimes I say I just moved from South Carolina.
I haven't quite gotten to where I say I'm from Texas.
The other day I was waiting for a high school graduation to start on the campus of UT-Arlington. When you're a youth minister/master's student, sometimes you have to multi-task. So while families were gathering in the arena to cheer their graduates, I was finishing a paper for a Maymester class. What a life. HA!
While I was sitting there, a campus housing commercial came on and got stuck on loop. Over. And over. And over again. Needless to say, it got a little repetitive. I'm sure UTA has a lot more to celebrate than its housing. But after thirty plays, I decided to pull my earbuds out and listen to what was being sold. And I was hooked.
No, I can't say I signed up to take some classes so I could live on campus. But the tagline. I loved the tagline. "Live where your life is."
That was the idea behind UTA's campus housing. You ought to live where your life is. Brilliant!
Some may hear that and think it's the most obvious thing in the world. OF COURSE WE LIVE WHERE OUR LIVES ARE! Where else could we live!? But on second thought, I think a lot of us live other places.
I think this tagline, at least for me, pointed to something much deeper. Something Jesus tried to teach his disciples.
When Jesus sent out the seventy disciples (yes, this is more than twelve, if you noticed. Jesus had lots of disciples and twelve that were closer than others) he told them to enter towns and find a home to stay in. "Don't bounce around," Jesus told them, "but make yourself at home and get rooted in the place!"
What Jesus knew was that you can't be with people if you're not with them. Let me explain. We can be in the same physical space as someone and not be with them. How often have couples been married for years but not sharing the passion of life and love? How often do we pass our homeless brothers and sisters on the street without even acknowledging their presence? How often do we find a job only to think, "When can I possibly get out of here for something better?" How often have people spent so time thinking about how green the grass is on the other side that they miss the beauty of the yard they're playing in?
I think that's why Jesus told the disciples to stay put. I think he wanted them to get to know their neighbors, to find out what made them laugh and what made them cry, what their favorite type of camel was. You know, the important stuff. To take their time to get to know people. He wanted his disciples to be neighbors because that is how communities and peoples' lives are changed: when people are with them.
People have asked me a lot if I think I'll stay in Texas forever. As someone who's moved around a good bit, that seems crazy to me some days. If you'd asked me that two years ago, I'd have said, "No way, Jose!" Now I'm not so sure. I've found people here, people I love and people who care for me. I've found home here. Just like I did in Santa Rosa. Just like I did in Brentwood. Just like I did in Greenville. My life is what it is today because of the people I knew and the experiences I had in all of those places because I found home there.
I know where I'm from. I'm from Santa Rosa. I'm from Brentwood. I'm from Greenville. I'm from Camp Barnabas. I'm from Berea Friendship United Methodist Church. And I'm from Fort Worth. I'm from all the places I've called home and all of the places that have shaped my life because I was willing to be there. And that's why I know, no matter where life takes me, here or there, near or far, comfortable or scary, I've learned to always be at home.
Some of us may only know one home. Others may know thirty. But may you live wherever your life is. May you hear and follow where the Spirit is calling you. And may you dive head first into the people around you, calling you by name, teaching you who you are and who you are becoming. And may you always be at home.
forever unfinished...
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