Superman...

"Angus, Superman isn't brave... You don't understand. He's smart and handsome, even decent. But he's not brave. Now, you listen to me. Superman is indestructible. And you can't be brave if you're indestructible. It's people like you and your mother. People who are different, who can be crushed and know it, but they keep going out there every time." -Angus

"Fear not, for i have redeemed you' I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, i will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze." -Isaiah 43:1-2

Spiders? Arachnophobia.

Public Speaking? Glossophobia.

A recent study by the National Institute of Mental Health found that 8.7% of Americans suffer from some form of specifically-triggered fear. For some it's as simple as snakes and heights. For others, it's more profound. Stressful interactions. Unknown environments. Point being, we are a people of fear.

Nicole Kidman is afraid of butterflies. Johnny Depp is afraid of clowns. And you won't ever see Oprah around chewing gum.

We've all got things that we're afraid of. When I meet people, I love to ask what their deepest fear is. The answer can tell you so much about somebody.

But fear is nothing new. The bible is a story full of fear.

When Moses met God at the burning bush, he was overwhelmed. When God told him to go back to Egypt, where they wanted him dead, he came up with every excuse to not return, going so far as to plead with God, "O Lord, please send someone else to do it." God's response? "I will be with you."

When God comes to Jeremiah as a boy and tells him to go out and prophesy to his people, Jeremiah wants no part of it. "I'm only a child and I do not know how to speak," he argues. God's response? "Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you."

When David is laying out the plans for the temple that his son Solomon is to build, it all became just too much for Solomon. The dimensions and the materials and the tools. It all just became a bit overwhelming. David's response? "Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished."

The most celebrated names of the bible are people who were wracked with insecurities and fears.

I'm no different in my life. I may not be afraid of black cats or flying, but my story is full of fears. I am terrified of commitment, as I'm sure my ex's could attest to. But not in some giggly "Oh, another guy who is afraid of commitment" kind of way. I mean, I fear committing to things when it requires closing myself off to other options. I am terrified of choosing one door when it requires closing others. So often in my life, once something has demanded that I invest completely and work with all my energy, I have bailed.

I am scared of being bold and being known, being vulnerable. Few things scare me more than the idea that others might know the most intimate feelings and insecurities in the corners of my heart that I try too often to hide even from the Father. I construct conversations and comments to paint the prettiest picture of my life, so that people will only be able to see what I want them to see. Sharing the depths of my soul with someone is horrifying for me.

But when people ask me for my deepest fear, my answer is the fear of being forgotten, of being unimportant to others. I fear my life could be an interchangeable part, that I could be replaced by anyone else and that when I move out of sight, so too does my memory. It drives me to keep myself in others' attention.

And of course, I fear rejection. I fear putting myself out on a limb when I'm unsure of its stability.

But like the faces of the biblical stories, there is a God behind me calling out, "Do not be afraid. Be strong and courageous for I am with you." He is painting a bigger picture.

When I was a kid, I was totally into superheroes, convinced one day I could be Bruce Wayne or Clark Kent. I distinctly remember having a red Superman cape with velcro straps on the shoulders. You see, superheroes weren't afraid of anything. They went and took the bad guys out with a big, "KAPLUNK!"

I think that's why I love the movie Angus. Angus is a heavy kid who's been elected king of the upcoming dance, something that terrifies him. In a moment of absolute wisdom, his grandfather reminds Angus, "Superman isn't brave. Superman is indestructible, and you can't be brave if you're indestructible."

It's my fears that make me human.

But to live the story that God has written for my life, I have to listen to the voice that whispers, "Be not afraid for I have with you."

The most frequent commandment in the bible is not "Do not murder" or "Do not lie." No, it is "Do not fear." And I'm convinced that's because fear is one of the most authentic human emotions and because it dictates so much of our stories, pulling them down roads infinitely less consumed by light and life. I'm sick of living a story where my choices are defined by safety. I'm tired of being afraid to take risks and live the life that God calls me into, life to the FULLEST. When my fears of commitment and rejection and intimacy dictate my choices, my story is only a fraction of what it could be.

Donald Miller tells a story about a friend of his named Bob. "He didn't think we should be afraid to embrace whimsy. I asked him what he meant by whimsy, and he struggled to define it. He said it's that nagging idea that life could be magical; it could be special if we were only willing to take a few risks."

We all have fears. They are a part of who we are. Maybe yours are financial. Or based in relationships. Or maybe they are as simple as the fear of the dark. But whatever they might be, they do not define us, not unless we let them. God is writing a much more beautiful story for our lives than fear ever could. I think it's about time I started embracing a little whimsy and started letting go of my fears. Wanna join?

forever unfinished...

Blacktops and Beiber Fever...

"When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it." -Matthew 13:46

"You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down." -It's a Wonderful Life

"For You I sing I dance. I rejoice in this divine romance." -Phil Wickham, Divine Romance

Her name was Brittany Hamilton, and I'm pretty sure she was perfect. Well, at least to a second-grader at Steele Lane Elementary School she was. She had dirty blonde hair and a "10-out-of-10" smile. She danced at the talent shows and was a killer tetherball player.

She was my first crush.

Everybody has a Brittany Hamilton. The guy or girl that showed you maybe cooties weren't SO bad and that there might be something to this whole "cute" thing. Don't get me wrong. Girls still had cooties and the idea of kissing one of them was still the only thing scarier than taking a bath. But there was still just something about her. And although I couldn't admit it for fear of being totally weird, I had a crush and was head over heels in love.

Well, as much as a seven-year-old can be I suppose.

Back then, I would go so far out of my way for her to notice me that I would've taken the route through Minnesota to get from Santa Rosa, California to Honolulu. I had it bad. When recess came around, I would skip in line to be partnered up with her for tetherball. When Mrs. Winstead had us create an acrositc poem about our best friend in writing class, I chose Brittany (and then had to explain why my cheeks turned a brighter red than any cherry when we had to present it.) There's even a picture in my parents' house of me and some friends at an awards ceremony that I had them blow up and frame because she was in the corner of the picture. It's still there I promise.

But I knew I'd arrived when, for about two weeks of the school year, she chased ME around the blacktop at recess. She could've chased anyone, but she chased ME! It was over. I was ready to drop my bachelor ways and invite her to Skate Night at the ice rink.

From that point on, my second-grade life had one purpose: making Brittany Hamilton fall in love with me. I would do whatever it took. Subtlety has never been my gift, but it was wasn't even in my vocabulary at this point. I threw caution to the wind in the maddening pursuit of even a smile.

The funny thing is, even as we get older, things haven't changed much. Most days I'm a hall-of-famer in the sport of tripping over myself and stumbling through my words around a cute girl.

But more than anything, that's the way I want to fall madly in love with the God whose love I will never earn but always have.

You see, daily I want to fall madly in love with God so much that I would stumble all over myself to be with him and love his children. I want to be so starry-eyed by his presence that the men with the white jackets would have to come check me out. I want to fall so head over heels for my creator that chasing after anything else seems a little... blah.

I think of the girls with the most contagious disease known to doctors today: "Beiber Fever." There is no question about their affections. And it permeates every corner of their lives. Their backpacks. Their haircuts. Their iPod playlists. Their words. The weight of their parents' wallets. It's about showing the world how much they love the Beibs (and confession, "Baby" is on my playlists. Luda.) But that's what I'm talking about. A love that permeates every place in my heart and my thoughts. A yearning that blesses my work and my friends and my significant others and my ultimate frisbee playing.

I hear the words of Jesus and Deuteronomy to love the Lord with all my heart and soul and mind and strength. You see, I love God to the bottom of my core. I am enraptured by him. But when I think of Brittany Hamilton, I realize that I would've done anything to have her.

But here is an important distinction between Yahweh and Brittany Hamilton: my love for the Father is not to earn his love, but rather because of his love. It is not out of guilt or a sense of earning. No, I want to be so caught up in the Father's love that there is no other response, because there is no sweeter taste than the love of the infinite and perfect creator and redeemer.

Jesus tells a story about a pearl. A merchant is looking for pearls, and when he finds one, he sells EVERYTHING he has to buy it.

EVERYTHING!

It's because the pearl is so beautiful, so precious to him. That is my father's love. I want to be so caught up in awe and wonder and love of that love that nothing else seems good enough. And in turn, I want a love that shines, that people notice. You know, that sparkle in the eye of someone desperately lost in affection. A sparkle that not only brightens my every step, but the lives of each and every single one of my neighbors.

Brittany Hamilton was my first great love story. But there is an infinitely deeper and more beautiful story being written each day over me, and I want to jump in with both feet off the high dive. Here's to love.

forever unfinished...