Sonnets and Confessions...

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my thoughts. See if there is any wicked way in me, and lead in the way everlasting." -Psalm 139: 23-24

"In faith, I do no love thee with mine eyes, for they in thee a thousand errors note..." William Shakespeare, Sonnet 141

I'm pretty independent and I don't always listen to the advice of others. I know this about myself, and I'm trying to improve it. So I've started seeking out people who have been around longer than me and tried to be a sponge around them and soak up all the wisdom they have to offer. (When you're only an averagely-wise person, it's smart to hang around people wiser than you.)

I'm also a single guy. So, I've tried to spend time time around people who are doing marriage really well. To learn from them. To watch them. To listen to them tell stories. To soak up their love and grace and wisdom. One day I'd like to do marriage well too, so why not learn from those with experience?

The other day I was at the opening night of worship at Annual Conference with my 88-year-old best buddy in Fort Worth and a guy named Pastor Rudy took the stage. Pastor Rudy is a Methodist pastor from Houston who is doing really incredible ministry with people in the inner-city.

He talked about a lot of things. And they were all good (heck, I've started reading his book Touch because I was so taken in by his words.) But as he closed, he talked about his wife, Juanita.

You see, Juanita hasn't always had an easy go of it since they got married. A while back she had a pretty deep depressive episode. And she's had cancer. Twice. And they've had financial strains. And Pastor Rudy shared all of this. Why? Because these were the stories that have made their marriage such a painful blessing to themselves and have taught them what God's love is like. They're the stories that have taught them that love at its deepest comes out sometimes in selfless sacrifice and devotion.

That's the vibe I've gotten from most people who have had lasting marriages. None of them tell stories about how easy it's been. None of them talk about how they never fight. They talk about devotion and reliance on another. They talk about patience and forgiveness. What becomes radically clear in listening to others is that marriage is a beautiful and ugly story of self-denial and love undertaken by two radically imperfect participants to make something much better than either create alone.

Listening to them talk about marriage helps me understand why the people who wrote the Bible used imagery of the bride and groom so often to describe Jesus and the church. It's a covenant between a groom and his bride that involves radical forgiveness and endless mercy in the face of imperfections and mistakes. It's a love that doesn't dismiss the other's flaws or overlook them, but loves in spite of them. It's a pretty compelling picture if you ask me.

I love Shakespeare. A lot. I've probably written about that before. I love the way he captured emotions in words no one else could connect.

One of my favorite things he ever wrote was his 141st sonnet:

"In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,
for they in thee a thousand errors note;
but 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,
who in despite of view is please to dote;
nor are mine ears with thy tongue's tune delighted,
nor tender feeling, to base touches prone,
nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited
to any sensual feast with thee alone:
but my five wits nor my five senses can
dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
who leaves unsway'd the likeness of a man,
thy proud hearts slave and vassal wretch to be:
only my plague thus far I count my gain,
that she that makes me sin awards me pain."

To paraphrase: I do not love thee because of what you look like, or any other reason that I can experience with my five senses. In fact, everything I can experience about you tells me it is a fool's errand to love you. But I love you anyway.

That's a beautiful poem to me. It's a poem about God, whether Shakespeare intended it that way or not.

God's love is extravagant, more wild than I ever give it credit for, because I will never taste of its like in flesh and blood. It scares me because I'll never see it lived out. But this sonnet captures its impossibility to me perfectly. It's as if God is saying, "I'm so aware of your imperfections, your faults, your failings. And there is no one I could ever love more profoundly. You are still my beloved, and my beloved you will always be!"

I'm not perfect.

I am FULL of pride. I hate taking advice and I spurn help when it's offered. So often I'm convinced my way is right and no one else could have anything to help me. But God still loves me and uses me every day.

I'm a man who lust too often calls friend and too often exposes. But God still loves me and uses me every day.

I am far too prone to notice the flaws and imperfections in others than I am to celebrate their gifts and successes. I'm often more likely to critique than I am to create. But God still loves me and uses me every day.

I'm overburdened with responsibilities I heap on myself to the point that the important, life-giving joys surrounding me every day often go unnoticed. But God still loves me and uses me every day.

I lie and gossip and notice the failings of others to mask my own insecurities. But God still loves me and uses me every day.

I often overlook my neighbors in my hurry to my next thing. But God still loves me and uses me every day.

I judge others at first glance and then usually continue to do so as long as we know each other. But God still loves me and uses me every day.

I too often speak, and speak, and speak, before I ever take a second to listen to the words of another. But God still loves me and uses me every day.

There are lots of times I put my own desires above others'. But God still loves me and uses me every day.

I spend time on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram to fill a hole of loneliness in heart. But God still loves me and uses me every day.

I don't always see God's presence in my comings and goings. But God still loves me and uses me every day.

I'm racked with guilt for the things I fail to do and the ways that I don't live up to expectations. I dwell more on failure than on success. But God still loves me and uses me every day.

And I know I'm not alone in these struggles. That's why I know God still loves you and uses you every day.

The more I hear people talk about marriage, the more and more I hear stories about God's love for us. I've started reading Sonnet 141 every morning because it is a poem of God's love. Confession is an ugly thing, but it also reminds me just how deep the oceans of God's love extend.

There's nothing to be gained in pretending we're perfect. It's a charade with an expiration date. I'm not perfect, even on the days when I think I am. And each day God is calling me beloved, God's bride today and for always. May I always be reminded of the abounding love of God that knows no limits. May God's love so envelope us that it stokes us to love our neighbors into its impossible embrace. And may we recognize the voice of God whispering in the core of our being, "You are my beloved, my bride, today and for always."

forever unfinished...