Control...

"Tried to move on but it turns out it was harder than it seemed" -Ernie Halter

    Last Wednesday I had lunch to catch-up with the wonderful Brentwood-native Paladin Emily Ralls, who apparently has basically shared my feelings and experiences of the last month as it turns out. After an hour of talking, she asked me an interesting question, one that I haven't thought about. "It's been really hard for me, but have you gotten to the point where you don't have to control the situation?" I have asked myself a lot of questions in the last couple weeks, but that honestly hadn't ever crossed my mind. I suppose in ways it had, but I'd never wrestled with that in those words. And having thought through it for a week, I'm not sure that I have gotten to that point, but I'm definitely moving towards it.
    In the midst of the last month, I've realized how much not being in control is hard for me. Breaking up is hard. It hadn't really clicked to me that things have been frustrating because there is nothing I can do. Sometimes, as much as I want to fight or understand to work things out, there's nothing for me that I can do. It's hard to understand when great things end. I can't change the past. I can't make people feel things that they don't. I can't just let things go and find perfect closure because I still want to deal with it, want to talk, want to fight. It's all in what I want that way. And that's a selfishness I don't want. When things end without warning or understanding, I want to understand why and work it out.
   But therein lies my prayer. As they say, I am ready to let go and let God. I've been holding on to this for too long, not knowing where it leads, but wanting to be able to control it and change it. I want to be ready to just let go. Peace will only come once I'm ready to give up control and stop wanting to fix things. Peace comes with moving on and letting go. So I'm praying for the peace to give up control, to give up wanting to fix things. I want to just surrender it all and find the peace God is offering me. I can't always control, and in those times, I need the peace and patience God offers more than at any other time.

forever unfinished...